On May 18, 2012 I posted this collage of photos on social media with this caption
“Pops was going through the old photo albums and sent me these scans from my 1st birthday at my lola's house. My mom had some pretty cool glasses. Seeing that lechon so close to lunch is torture...”
I had those Koala plushies forever. They are still in a box somewhere in my childhood home. I can picture them clearly in my head. They lived on a white corner shelf of my room for most of my childhood. I couldn’t give them away. They were my first toys. And honestly, I don’t think my mom wanted to give them away either.
When mom had her first stroke in 2002, I was 22 years old and did not know how to cope with what was happening. I tried to fall back on how I felt when I was in elementary school and my Lola Sabel had a stroke. But honestly I fell into a cycle of self medication on alcohol, cigarettes, and weed.
One day I decided to go to Build-A-Bear to make my mom a “Get Well” reminder. When it was time to choose what bear to build, I gravitated towards the Koala. I remembered my first Koala bear at home. How my mom always said it came from one of her good friends. I proceeded to make the bear and my wish, because the staff at Build-A-Bear have you hold a heart and make a wish before they fill the bear with stuffing and sew it up, was for my mom to recover and come back to us.
Mom did recover and she was there with my Dad at my UCI graduation. 2002-2003 was one of the hardest years of my life. Twenty years later 2022-2023 would also be one of the hardest years of my life.
Mom had another stroke in October 2022. She never came home this time. Mom’s journey in certain hospitals followed Dad’s illness. It was hard to be on the same hospital floors that my dad was in and I couldn’t be with him as he was sick and dying. Mom never knew this and I kept it all inside. I greatly appreciated that the hospital staffs could see that I was in crisis mode because I was reliving the traumatic experience of losing my dad in 2020, a time where so many other families who lost loved ones, couldn’t mourn properly.
Mom would eventually get out of the hospital and into a skilled nursing facility followed by a board and care home that was close to our house. I was able to spend time with her as much as I could. I was able to be with her almost every day in her last week on this earth. I was able to let go of so much of the my inner child anger and hurt towards her because I could see how much she was in pain and all she wanted to do was be with my dad.
In a few days Mike and I will get on a plane and head abroad to visit my cousins down under. We’ll be going to the land of koalas. Mom and Dad will be with us. I know they’ll be watching over us as we go on this adventure. When I see a koala out there I’ll be thinking of them and how much they love and care for me. I’ll be thinking of how mom kept a print out of this photo collage in her purse and how that purse was buried with her when we laid her to rest. I’ll be thinking of them as I cherish these moments to make new memories because we are those who made it.
