December 13th is the day Papa Dodge became an ancestor in 2020. I took the day off to reflect on what that means. In what has become an annual tradition, I got Christmas wreaths for my grandparents and now both my parents. At the cemetery they hold off on flower removal during the holidays. So wreaths and other decorations remain up until January.
After I set up the wreath at my Lola Sabel and Lolo Gabing’s, I played them Filipino Christmas songs on my phone. I sang the classic Jose Marie Chan song “Christmas in Our Hearts” and let the tears fall. I was the epitome of a lead in a Filipino teleseryes.
Mike joined me at Papa Dodge and Mama GingGing’s. I laid out my Pendleton blanket (courtesy of Costco) and played them the Carpenters Christmas album. Our family tradition was to always listen to this album as we trim the tree for the holidays. Mike had to head out for a meeting, so I was left on my own for the last couple songs. Again I wept as I sang along to Karen Carpenter’s rendition of “I’ll Be Home for Christmas.”
I decided to run errands on this day off. These errands ended up giving me a tour of the Valley and all of Papa Dodge’s familiar spots. I hadn’t had anything to eat all day and suddenly Dan’s Super Sub came to mind. I was in Sherman Oaks at the time and while I had several options for lunch in that part of Ventura, I made the trek up to Woodland Hills. Papa was guiding me to his favorite sandwich spot.
I easily found a meter. Walked in and ordered a #26 - Corned Beef, Pastrami & Cheese. I got it jumbo size since that’s what Papa would have ordered. I sat at a table with three chairs and felt Papa and Mama’s presence with me.
The holidays are hard. For the longest time I missed my Lola Sabel. The way her hands would cradle my face as she gave me a smelling kiss. The envelopes of cash that had all her grandchildren’s names written on them as she sneaked them into our hands. The way she smile at us with such love and pride.
Then I missed Mama GingGing. I know she was physically with us, but the person my mom was before her stroke compared to the person she was after her stroke hit harder because she was with us. This is my first Christmas without her and I didn’t realize how hard it would be. I miss how she would be so excited to tell me how much money to give to her grand nieces and nephews. How happy she was to sign those Christmas cards. I miss how she told me she loved me very much in those last months.
I’ll be honest. I find it really difficult to find Christmas cheer. I’ve put up the tree. I put on the Christmas sweaters. I try to find joy in these moments. But honestly I just miss the people I love most…at Christmas time.