Hi. I’m an orphan.

Only child to Orphan Status

When I think of the term orphan, I think of the following:

and

and lastly

So obviously my education about orphans came from pop culture and literature. Literally what I watched on tv and read in schools.

But where is the content about 40 something’s who lose parents during a global pandemic? Where is the altruistic bootstraps journey to some sort of homogeneous heteronormative happily ever after? Where are the stories about only children turned adult orphans?

Hmmm…I guess it’s here.

Mom passed away in April. Her service was in May. I went on the trip of a lifetime in June and July. Now it is August and I am in the panic of the upcoming school year. Working at a university means that my year is scheduled by welcome weeks, midterms, finals, rinse and repeat until commencement ceremonies the following year. The academic year allows me the ability to mark time through some other way besides family moments.

Because this year…this year will be my first year where all my family moments will be without mom and another one without dad. Just when I thought I had gotten a handle of living life with out him. I now have to learn how to live life without her.

These pictures are of an adult orphan attempting to move forward with life. These are reminders that life is moving on. These moments are reminders that there are still happy moments to celebrate.

August is not only the beginning of my work panic. But it also is the start of several family moments. August is our wedding anniversary. September is my birthday month. October is dad’s birthday month. November is Thanksgiving/taking. December is Chrismahannukwanzah New Year’s.

The months all begin to blend into a full google calendar of family gatherings, friendsgivings, chosen fam white elephants, and memories.

I will be honest. I am scared for this onslaught of family moments. I am scared of the grief that will wash over me knowing I don’t have mom or dad to call anymore. I am scared of the overwhelming feeling of loneliness that comes with the holidays. I am scared of missing people so much it will hurt.

I will make this promise to try. To try and be genuinely happy. To try to continue to be grateful for those around me. To try and remember that life moves forward and I am lucky. Lucky because I, we, you reading this. We are those who made it.

And that’s what our loved ones would want for us.